By Kangsen Feka Wakai
Conservative presidential nominee Ian Gables recently gave a speech before the Council of Elders at the Ejagham Shrine in Downtown Washington D.C. According to the Gables campaign, the purpose of the meeting between their candidate and the powerful, pro-Africa lobby group was to reassure his African allies that a Gables administration will be committed to the unconditional support for the growing economic and military might of the ASU (African States United).
“A Gables presidency will continue in the tradition of previous administrations and stretch its hand beyond the dark shark infested Atlantic ocean that separate us. Let me assure our tanned friends of the solar friendly tropics that if I am elected president they will continue to drink and eat from the banquet of our democratic generosity.
The fountain of economic and military aid will remain an infinite source for your growth and development. It is a commitment we are bound to uphold. A Gables presidency will continue to build the porous forts that guard this sacred relationship between our two great nations,” said Gables.
To this, the audience responded with earth shattering applause.
During his speech, the candidate also took the opportunity to remind the audience how time, the indisputable healer of barbarities and tragedies, continues played a prominent role in changing the course of their relationship.
“It has been a very, very, very long relationship my friends,” he said, “and at times tragic. There were times, no doubt, in the distant past when our interests collided. That was unfortunate, but as the anointed bearers of goodwill, we as a people, cannot afford to…” he added before stopping to avoid breaking down. A lone tear rolled down his rosy cheeks.
“In other words, a Gable administration will ensure that the unity, integrity and sovereignty of the ASU is respected by all nations and world bodies. After almost a millennium, the remnants of Gaullism that linger in the shadows and jungles surrounding Bangui will be extinguished under my administration. Any sinister forces still lurking in the lush jungles of the motherland will be identified and pulverized. Our first order of business will be to build partnerships with the battle-hardened partners that people your land. We shall transform the East Congo into a burial ground for neo-colonialist with imperial apparitions. That, my friends, is a promise I will not break. In fact, the number one priority in foreign policy will be to enable our friends in the ASU to contain any form of external aggression, be it economic, political or military.”
To this, there is more earth-shattering applause.
“If I am elected president of this great country, the first thing I’ll do is propose a bill, which I am certain congress and my fellow citizens will consent to, that will allocate $200 trillion of military aid to the ASU for naval, air, nuclear, biological and all the boom-boom weapons for the next ten years. There will collaborations at all levels. ASU spooks working alongside our seasoned spooks.”
In the course of the discourse, Gables became so passionate that the Elders of the Council got up from their sits and started dancing to his words, as if it was music. They were beating the tables, howling and shouting, momentarily interrupting his speech.
“Our relationship,” he continued, “is one of strategic importance not only for the ASU but to our interests in that hemisphere especially ever since our most recent enemies now have the bomb and the balance of power in what should rightfully be claimed as Far North East ASU territory seems to have shifted to our disadvantage. So, it is imperative that the ASU, with its secularist and capitalist lust, transform itself from a backbencher in the race for resources into a deterrent to any religio-political ambitions that might emerge from near or far. Our common values and reverence for rhythm and good times compels us to act as one,” said Gables.
The candidate then concluded his speech with a promise, a symbolic gesture of good will on the part of his estate towards the Council of Elders.
“My dear friends, and even if I am not elected, Ms. Gables and myself have already started raising funds for the construction of a Nkwame Nkurumah monument as a gesture of friendship and goodwill to the citizens of the ASU. We shall put it atop the Golden Gate Bridge. For those of you who do not know your history, let me inform you that, our land as much as yours was once graced by the soles of this great African visionary. He was educated in the same state that this country was born. We are very convinced that experience must have influenced his future thinking when one considers how freedom can be contagious. So, it is in that spirit of freedom-by-any-means necessary that we intend to dedicate this monument to. Thank you.”
Gable’s speech was followed by a banquet and gala before his departure for a campaign rally in Brownsville, Texas.
Kangsen Wakai was born in Cameroon. He resides in the US.
Conceptual photo by Richard Curtis
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