UNESCO-Obiang Nguema Mbasogo International Prize for Research in the Life Sciences*

Nomination Form

Family name of nominated candidate: Wakai

First & middle names: Kangsen Feka

Profession and position held currently: Writer/Life Scientist

Nationality:  In question.

Address: You wan kam kill me?

Telephone:  Ah no go givam.

Email:  youareadisgrace@flushmail.com
 
Website:  www.yourgenerationofleadershavefailedus.org

I hereby agree to this nomination
Signature…?$%#&…….

How candidate’s work will contribute to the Improvement of the Quality of Human Life

The candidate, with the unsolicited help of the most innovative afofo distillers and medicine men from all four corners of our land, but above all, the endorsement of the Societe Nationale pour la Recherché Scientifique—created by Presidential Decree #194761289329 (SNRS) has developed a concoction—or should I say elixir, which can prolong life for seven hundred and fifty-four years, three-months, two weeks, one day, twelve hours, and six seconds.

Now, dear esteemed committee members, as you consider the laureate for this magnanimous prize, and unmatchable show of generosity from our most beloved leader, Teodoro, it might serve your interest, but most of all our beloved leader’s interest to know that this is no joking matter.  And while it is only befitting that this decision will be coming from Paris, city of a trillion lights, we want to alert you to see the light.

For references to the power of this elixir place a call to Uncle Bob in Harare, Popol in Yaounde, or better yet Dadis—currently in a villa in Ouagadougou watching reruns of the Dadis Camara Show, who was almost killed by his own kind for daring to steer his beloved land toward democracy and progress.  Now, you tell us, how else do you think he survived a gun shot wound to his head?   Well, Monsieur Maciej Nalecz and co., the point we are trying to make is that what binds this esteemed trio of survivors [Bob, Paul and Dadis]—of foes and nature alike to the dismay of millions whose nightly entreaties are impotent before such power—has been very tiny drops of this life-prolongation elixir.  If only the Hajiya had called in time…

Well, we pledge before you—committee members, the scientific community [the life sciences especially], UNESCO, the African Union, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Prophet T. B. Joshua, Barack Obama, the world at large and to all unseen forces, on our grand mothers honors that the candidate’s research has produced a revolutionary product that will forever baffle mankind but is certain to improve the quality of human life, especially Teodoro’s.

The candidate’s life-prolongation elixir is an exclusive product reserved for those deserving of eternal power—yes indeed, those like our beloved leader who were conceived and groomed through trial and tribulation to rule. We submit it with confidence knowing that its outcome will only continue to validate what was destined to be.  Now, we are giving you, esteemed committee members, the opportunity to partake in what was prophesied but did not make the Dead Sea Scrolls; an opportunity for you to decipher the undecipherable—what the ancients and not-so-ancient have been unable to achieve by awarding the prize to this candidate whose product will enable our beloved leader the opportunity to fulfill his godly purpose on this existence. 

We guarantee that after taking the required dosage of this elixir, our beloved leader will have nothing but restful nights in the comfort of his hilltop Labyrinth. And as long as he is not tempted to listen to Fela’s Coffin for Head of State—which we know he has the good sense not to, Tio Francisco will not make nightly apparitions in his dreams; there wouldn’t be nightly screams coming from Black Beach; no conspiratorial exiles and prep school mercenaries will fumble and tumble on his borders; there will be no rivers of blood daydreams and no invading Cameroonians at nighttime.  Peace, infinite peace is what this we promise.  The 4.5 trillion cubic feet of natural gas reserves is just the beginning of better days ahead.

We guarantee that our product will enable our beloved leader to outlive friend and foe, His wife and children; his great-grand children and their great-grand children’s great grand children.  He’ll live long enough to build a house in Saturn and a horse race track on the ocean floor.  It will enable him to live long enough to carve himself a sculpture from the clouds and make it snow in the Namib Desert. 

Yes indeed, it is an opportunity for Teodoro, our most beloved leader, to continue his visionary reign, which in a mere three decades has already transformed this neglected Spanish slave port into an El-dorado no Thatcher will soon visit. Once again, Teodoro has proven that, genius, however suppressed will seek a way to manifest itself and triumph over human rights and basic services.

Thus, it was the candidate’s honor to name his product The Teodor [A Tonic for Ruling Matadors!  Seven Hundred Plus Years of Living and Ruling Guaranteed].

Attn:
UNESCO
Natural Sciences Sector
Division of Basic and Engineering Sciences
Mr Maciej Nalecz
Executive Secretary of the UNESCO-Obiang Nguema Mbasogo International Prize
1 rue Miollis 75732 Paris Cedex 15 France
Fax: +33 (01) 45 68 58 21
Email : lifesciencesprize@unesco.org  

Comments

[ada]

This is so funny! Excellent work! I had to read it a second time to make sure I wasnt going mad! A great laugh and well written x

[Kangsen]

Ada, thanks for the power of laughter! Or else...